The Graciousness of Uncertanty

Brent Bays cancer foundation 5K/Race.

I was going to watch my son-in-law Isaac Rushing run in a 5K race today. I go on line to find out about this race. I see that it's a race for a cancer foundation.
Brent Bays foundation to be more exact and it says,
Fighting for those who are in the fight of their lives.
That would be me. I may still have time to run in this thing. I had been doing some walking in the last few weeks.... but running three miles? Then I think about pastor Tom who is running in a race this weekend and how I told him to keep it up. I need to take my own advice and at least try it. I print off the registration and fill it out, grab a bottle of carrot juice and head out the door. The place has a carnival like atmosphere with loud music and a guy making announcement as to when the race will start.
My race/fight started 23 days prior and will last the rest of my life. I see the table to register with a kind looking woman seated at it. She says,"do you want to run"? "Yes I do" and hand her my form that holds my entry fee and she hands me an envelop and a t-shirt. I then tell her I'm a cancer survivor and this is my first race. "How long has it been"? I feel the lump in my throat and it's not the cancer. I keep my composure and say, "I just found out a few weeks ago and have every confidence I will win this battle".  She said  "my daughter  had cancer and was 13 when we found out but with treatment is now14."
My eyes fill with tears but keep from over flowing. I watch hers do the same. All I can see is her face as I tell her that I believe in the power of prayer. I do too and will pray for you, she said. What's your daughters name, I asked.  Hannah Miller and I'm Deejo. I told her I'd pray for both Hannah and her. She tells me, "I also volunteer at the (Relay for Live)". She writes on the back of my envelope www.relayforlife.org. Maybe you can check that out too.
As I walk away the tears flow.  I was glad I was early and no one saw me crying. Kids and cancer are the most difficult thing to understand. Then I see Isaac in his big diesel truck wearing a bright green shirt.  As he pulls in he says,"I know your running". You talked to Shelby on the phone didn't you?
Then Laurie & Lindsay Rushing, Isaac's Mom and sister arrive.  When the car door opens I see a knee brace on Lindsay. This was one of the few times when soccer was not the reason for Lindsay being hurt. She had twisted it when she was training with her brother. I hand her my camera with complete confidence. She has taken lots of great picture and is good at it. We hear the call to our race and before I can think about it we are off. My music sets my pace and at the mile and a half mark I see a water station. Then I recognize a woman from the YMCA. She see me and says "you go, Mike!" It was just what I needed. Just after that I see Isaac coming the other way and he is flying. We touch hands as we pass and my energy returns again. I can do this as I run by the two mile mark. As I see the end in sight I start to dance/ run. I don't care what people might think of this crazy guy skipping towards the finish. I touch the pad and feel such gratitude. I head to my car and grab my carrot juice. After a quick drink I wait for others to come in. As they pass I cheer them on. Then I here come on Mom and see a woman with gray hair about my age headed for the finish. I will run the rest of the way with you mom. I want to tell you how nice it is to have people cheer you on in the race of life. It makes it even better when they are with you when you finish the race.

       




********** MALE 5K RUN AGE GROUP:  50 - 59 **********

Place Name                    S Age City               St Finish  Pace 

===== ======================= = === ================== == ======= =====

    1 Mike Mc Nulty           M  50 Gardner            KS   26:09  8:25

    2 Doug Adams              M  53                         28:42  9:15

    3 Michael R. Johns        M  56                         31:17 10:04

    4 John Henson             M  58                         34:05 10:59

    5 Ed Rodriguez            M  53                         38:03 12:15

    6 Scott Skalisky          M  51                         39:22 12:41

    7 Fred Lynch              M  50                         40:48 13:08

According to Vitamin Mary I'm cancer Free. NOT! YET!

Yesterday morning I spent on bee control in my neighborhood. I am the guy they call whenever a colony of bees is trespassing into a neighbors house. In this case we have two neighbors that have active bees. They are both great neighbors and we are so blessed to live in a neighborhood that is so close.
I love estate sales and the TV shows Antique Road Show & Pickers for me it's all about the hunt. So to it is with two of my neighbors. Cheryl who is married to Doug a pilot for Garmin and Lynn who is married to Mark a power plant engineer. We are always running into each other at sales and laughing about the crazy things we find. A few days ago Cheryl found a carved wood bear in a canoe when at a sale with her Mom and bought it as a gift for me. It was perfect and matched an owl that Shelby and Isaac gave me for Christmas.












 Yesterday I get an email from Lynn>
Michael...I'm sorry to bother you with this now...but if you could guide me about a problem I just recently discovered, BEES! They're big ones and they're swarming around my middle back patio. Do I call an exterminator or what? These are twice the size of regular honeybees. I would sure appreciate any information you could give me. Thanks, Lynn
Lynn is always doing nice things for us. On Saint Patrick's day Mark shows up with a cast iron pan full of Irish soda bread. The gift included the pan.









Mark was a Oklahoma State football lineman and is this huge happy guy from Strawberry Hill, a Croatian neighborhood in KC,KS. Lynn is this 5'3"happy woman who is always full of joy.  She shared the fact that she had cancer three times but she is now 12 years cancer free. We talked about how when you see people in a marriage go through this every moment is a joy and how sad it is to see others argue.
I stop at Chad and Sarah's before going to a mind over body healing session in Mission, KS. They are working from home so I stay just long enough to pee and give them hugs. I was early so I go into a herb/vitamin shop.
I asked the woman if she recommends anything for cancer. She said, "Mary, do you hear this?". An older woman with some kind of rock-crystal hanging around her neck comes to the front of the store. "How do you know you have cancer"?
I had a fine needle biopsy that tested positive for squamous cell carcinoma, I said. "You want me to check it for you"? Sure! She comes out with a box of bandaids and a white jar. This will take 30min you ok with that? Sure! She dips a finger into this brown goo and rubs it on my neck then she puts the bandaids over the goo. Two women came in and each bought five gal of alkaline water. I helped them load the magic water in the five gal bottles. Then the moment of truth came and Mary took off the bandaids. You see that? No cancer! "Is that right"? I asked. See what the paper says? "That's a 99% true test for cancer".  You need to go to a friend of mine ASAP who is a kinesiologist. I think she said,  "quackonym". He will tell you if it's true and  he only charges $200. I go to my energy healing appointment and get my chakra alined. This involves a woman named Vivian lightly running her hands above my body as I lay on a table and fall asleep. The falling asleep was my idea. Cost for the the vitamin shop with the cancer cure tea  $50 and my Vivian sleep session $50. The hole experience priceless.
I go back to the kids house to meet Patti for a benefit dinner. This is an annual event put on by my neck cancer support group.
Upon arrival we are greeted by Mary who is the director and Dorothy, my doctors nurse. I have been emailing Dorothy a few times with questions. She looks up and said" Hows my email buddy? I said, "I don't have cancer". She got a confused look on her face and then a smile as I told her the story of the vitamin shop. I hooked up with another John who had all the same symptoms even down to the same age when he began his journey. He was 6 years older now and cancer free. His wife Kim talked with Patti and they discovered an insurance connection.
This is the email that Dorothy sent to me yesterday and what I have to look forward to.>
Hi, Mike,

Sorry, I did not see your questions before now.  Kinda crazy around here.  There are no more procedures to be done before appt.  I have requested to have your pathology slides to be sent to KU for review.  The next step to find primary is to go to surgery.  I don't know if she has date for you yet, normally the surgeons don't schedule surgery until after they consult with patients.  No, I don't get tired of your emails, but  I may be a little slow in answering.  I had a work partner to share my job with, but she has taken another job, so I am doing it by myself.  Sorry, I was slow to respond.

Dorothy
.
>>> mike johns <wyckfordpond@gmail.com> 4/23/2012 4:01 AM >>>

Hi Dorothy,

It's Monday & time to breath in and breath out. 

This is the only thing you need to do today to live.

I see the Dr. Shnayder in a week from tomorrow. 

1. In that week can any other procedure be done to locate the primary tumor?

2. Is my name on her surgery calendar so I won't need to wait another three weeks for my vasectomy? HaHa 

3. Do you get tired of my emails on Monday? 

Sorry I am such a pain in the ass. 

I never have been good at the waiting. 

Have a good week.

Sincerely,

Mike

The Power of Healing

Up date on Tom P  the man in my first story. I stopped by his house to see him today. He had been back in the hospital again and had just got out yesterday. He still has not let anyone move into his house to help him. He may not make it out alive. Alcoholism is a hideous thing it take a the lives of thousands of people everyday. Caroline Myss lost a brother to it and so did Rick Papp my brother in law. Tomorrow I will go to my noon meeting at an AA club and listen to people that want to live. Many of them with over 20+ years. So why after so many years do we go? So that we might help others to stay sober and be reminded of what it was like for us. If you think you have a problem with drinking and have the desire to stop give me a call. (913) 961-3252


Psalm 103:2-5, "Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Praying this for you Mike. Thanks Ben I LOVE YOU TOO !

My other sister from another mother & dad sent me a video link. 

This may or may not be the answer to the way some people heal. I take everything in, use what I need and disregard the rest. I have taken sugar out of my diet and coffee too.
That is not to say I won't ever eat a little desert with a cup of coffee now and then. There are a few absolutes I will never again do alcohol or cigarettes.

Time to go have a little family time, love to all. 

I think it is one of the best things I have ever heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kGZfZsTYgo&feature=share

The sunshine of the sprit

Sunday JOY!

FROM:
Sister Deb Papp,
Joy comes from simple and natural things, mists over meadows, sunlight on leaves, the path of the moon over water. Even rain and wind and stormy clouds bring joy, just as knowing animals and flowers and where they love. Sigmurd F. Olson

Let us for a few moments lay aside our grieving and notice, as thought nothing else existed, the world around us. Of course, it's better to do this if you can be in a lovely place. But there are always simple things around us that could gladden our hearts if we would let them. Children rejoice in sunshine and rain, in puddles to walk through, in the way light reflects off a fragment of colored glass, in the way grass shoots up through cracks in a sidewalk. For children, the immediate world is what calls to them, brings them joy or sadness. We carry our sadness with us for a long time. But let's not allow it to call all the shots! Let's give ourselves a break by taking note of the springtime -- the way trees, flowers, and bushes seem to erupt overnight, and the days lengthen, the air grows soft, the birds come back, the rabbits reappear on the lawn.  **To allow myself to revel in simple joys will ease me into new hope, new courage for my life**
I just got off the phone with Deb and asked her if she wrote the above inspirational email.
She took it out of a book that a friend gave her but she had to rewrite it for us to read.
She told me to stop calling it "my cancer". It's "the cancer". I agree. She also recommended that I listen to lots of praise music. Today in church we celebrated the children and sang "Jesus loves me", and I think that qualifies. 

I wrote to Scott after reading his book Fighting Cancer with Faith

He wrote me this back>

On Apr 20, 2012, at 11:42 PM,

Rev. Scott Schmieding wrote

Thank you.  God bless you, Mike.

Scott Schmieding

www.divinerx.com 

This may not seem like a lot to some of you but to me it's huge. He must have all kinds of people wanting his time. Time is not just money, its everything. We only have so much of it. I sent Scott, back an up date on my situation.> Hi Scott,

They couldn't find the the primary. I have a nine day wait to find out what comes next. 

I face an uncertain future. It was made clear to me that is how it's always been.

Mike 

None of us have a clear future. We make plans and God laughs. In a way this cancer has given me a clear future. I can live in fear or I can live in joy. I want JOY! The joy now comes from letting God do the driving and going along for the ride. I tried my hand at a little intellectual debate last night  on facebook and I am no intellectual. It was over the redistribution of wealth. Frankly I would have rather been talking to Matt, my soon to be homeless vet friend. We will brainstorm on what he can do and God will provide the answer. This is the JOY! Cancer did that for me, Now I know what is meant in the bible to die is to gain. It means to yourself, to your future, to giving up control and letting go. Lots of sayings in AA I like.  Let go and let God. I wish everyone had a 12 step program. We would have a lot less divorce and people wanting to control each other. Lack of power is my dilemma is one of my favorites my sponsor would have me say.
I'm not in charge. I just figured out I never have been. Time to start my day. Patti and I do it with prayer. Then we make our bed. Sometimes I let God make it.

We fixed supper for some long time friends the Daugherty's. Then they treated us to a Ballet.
Life is so Fun.

The story of uncle Bill Smart louise hayes no hay casualidad, sino causalidad

So many laughs we have on Wyckford pond. Neighbor Bill and I sit on his dock and welcome back our friend the Osprey. We share Iowa stories and it connect us to a place of mutual endearment. I was able to Skype my cuz Anita & hubby "Mannywelloved"  in Mexico for a very special love fix. His face comes to the screen on my computer and I feel immediate overwhelming joy. How can you love two people so much?
I have not seen my uncle Bill for 40 years due to a divorce but my memories of him are cherished. He is on my bucket list of people to see. I was amazed to find out that my own uncle had a type of melanoma neck cancer that was removed from his neck. They couldn't find the primary in his case too.
Every profession has a few assholes and his oncologist was one of them. He asked him what if we can't find the primary? His response was, "oh don't worry it will find you".
"The rabies don't go away until the dog dies".
Bill Smart is the kind of man that takes that kind of information and said, "great, life is a gift anyway and whatever happens is up to GOD"!  Bill Smart may even outlive that doctor for all we know.
It's all about the grace of God. I just stopped writing to answer the phone and talking with Patti when an email came in from Mary. She is the cancer support group coordinator. It was about Frank. He sat next to me in the first group meeting his cancer had come back after five years.
This is what it said>

Such good news, Theresa.  Frank and you have been held close by all of us.  There has been much concern by group members with Frank's news of needing surgery after his 5 years of being cancer free.  We will be looking forward to hearing the update at group in May from Frank!! 

Take good care,

Mary

>>> Teresa 4/20/2012 11:47 AM >>>

Hi Mary and all of Frank's fellow cancer group members!
Guess what...Frank is home.  Dr. Tsue told him he could go home once he could drink and eat bland food.  Since this morning's breakfast went down pretty good,  the nurse called and told me to come and get him because he was ready to go home.  He is resting and doesn't seem to be in pain.  I just have to encourage him to keep drinking water, eat soft food and take his meds.
Thank you, Mary and all who have sent him prayers and good wishes for his recovery.  God heard our prayers...Dr. Tsue did not have to graft his tongue because the incision was not as large as it could have been.
Again, Mil gracias!
PS  please share the good news with whomever asks for Frank's surgery results.
Thanks!
Theresa

Anita sent me back this email when I told her of my blog
cool.  i loved connecting too! loved your blog story. keep the reflections flowing; sharing your process is part of your healing! 

please give our regards to your osprey!

We have a hawk that loves to swoop and dive alongside the bicycle or car as we enter and depart our driveway (a couple hundred yards long...) 

love ya, 

Anita 

Up at 5:00 AM  today. I have a friend Tad that will go to Fort Leavenworth Hospital for yet another test for a pain in his, well ASS. He has been trying to find out the cause for three years to no avail. He gets in my car and hands me two music CD's that he made for me. Tad and I are friends if not best friend. We got sober together 13 years ago and I took him as my sponsor. Tad's dad was an atheist but he is quite spiritual just not religious. He is very analytical and quite well read. His knowledge of music may even be greater than the number of books he has read. On average two or three a week. As we drove a back way on hwy 5 I sang along to my new CD Warren Zevon "Send lawyers guns and money dad get me out of this". We check in and as we wait for the nurse to take him away I put my hand on his knee and bow my head. When I look up at him he said "that is the only thing I haven't tried". I said why don't you just believe that I believe and this time asked God in a quite audible voice to give us the answer and cure for his pain. The nurse hands me a pager. "It will beep when he is done". I asked if it will work if I take a walk a mile away. She shakes her head yes. I walk out side and look up at a scaffolding that goes clear up and around the entire hospital.Workers are just starting to arrive and get out tools. A restoration is underway to save this place. As I walk down towards the old catholic chapel I see more buildings that need extensive renovation too. If they don't move fast they will not last much longer. I think what a shame to see empty places that could be homes for some of the thousands of homeless vets.Tad and I have a friend Matt that is in rehab at the hospital. He will soon be one of them. Homeless that is. He is not in too big of hurry to be released for that reason. Just then the sun picks up a reflection off a distant pond and just beyond that I see the white rows of marble. The cemetery rolling hills filled with white monuments. At that moment I think of all the sacrifices of all dead that are burred in this place. The sound of lawn mowers and smell of fresh cut grass fill the air. I walk on past a dead red cedar tree covered in poison ivy it made up the only green part of the tree. It set back behind a house that was not part of the well manicured cemetery grounds.
Just then my phone rang. It was Matt. What are you doing? he asked. I told him I was thanking some people for the sacrifice they had made to my country. We agreed to meet up at the pond. Matt had a few days growth of beard on his face but sported a huge smile.  Fishing rods stuck out next to the seat as I climbed into his truck. We drove up to a new dog park and he introduced me to his friend Sam. Sam's two dogs made a game of chasing any squirrel that dare try to come out of a tree. Then we made our way back to the hospital just in time to hear the buzz of my beeper. Lets go get him. I learned a little secret that Tad's real name was Arthur. So when he appeared at the door both at the same time said hey
Arthur and began to laugh. Tad had a funny look on his face then the most giddy laugh I have ever heard came out of his face. I haven't felt this good in thirteen years he said with another laugh and I am going to enjoy it. We drive him back up to the dog park and find a guy named Tom with a English bull dog that Tad can't stop loving on. Tom's other Jack Russell mix trying to breed a much larger black dog. He gets a scolding from Tom who keeps telling him to stop with no luck. As we walk back to the car Tad said I think your prayer worked. Both Matt and I looked for further explanation to this claim. That doctor actually listened to me. When he finished he told me that he thought with a Botox injection I might not have anymore pain. There might just be something to this prayer stuff.  I said, "let me tell you how I think it works Tad. First you need to have the person pray.  Then you need to have faith that God will answer the prayer. You had faith in my faith and received the grace from God. I just asked God did the rest".
Not all prayers are answered with a yes. But if we have faith, we can trust that God will answer every prayer.

My journey with cancer

I found out the lump in my neck was Squamous cell cancer April 5.

My life became a BLURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday April 13 and I started the day at the YMCA. This is a place that is all about love and caring.

I have been a member of the Y for years and have made friends with most of the trainers. Trainer John is one of my best friends and I helped him find his house. When I shared about my cancer he looked me straight in the eye, gave me a big hug and said “my brother had that same cancer and is doing fine”.

Patti and I drove in to town to find our accountant Tom P. Tom has done our taxes and been friends for all most twenty years. He was not answering his phone. He now works out of his house and didn’t look to good when I dropped them off a week or so ago. We get to his house and he finally answers the door. He looked almost dead and had mucus all over his sweatshirt his belt was not buckled and his fly was open. He had not shaven in a week and had the worst case of bed head I had ever seen. Are you ok Tom? “No not to good” he said. I said Tom I am a recovering alcoholic and go to AA. He looked at me and said, “I admit I’m an alcoholic and I have been to AA too. When is the last time you ate anything Tom? It’s been a week. Tom I need my taxes back right now. I followed him into his house and climbed the stairs to his office. His bed is on the other side of the room with the TV on. A smell of stale booze fills the air and then I realize it was him. Tom I love you, tomorrow I am taking you to the hospital. You need help! I will see you in about an hour with some food and off we went. I drove down state line road to his old office and talked with them to see if they might do our taxes. I told them what I found at Tom’s house. “He won’t let you help him” they said. I looked at them and said, “he has no choice because we don’t give up on one another”. I told them I have squamous cell neck cancer I found out a week ago and God is not going to give up on me. One of the men looked at me and said, “my brother had that same kind of cancer and is fine”. Then he gave me a number of one of Tom’s friends and said “he might help you with Tom’s intervention”. Patti took the number and when we got in the car I called. His name was John and I asked him if he could be at Tom’s house at 10:00 the next morning. He agreed and in my conversation I told him that I felt like God wants me to help Tom to get my mind off my neck cancer. John said “do you have squamous cell?” I said,“Yes I do”. Well “I had that five years ago”. I started to laugh and said, "now I know God has his hand in this". I took food back to Tom’s house after dropping Patti at home. He would not come to the door and then I saw all the notes from other clients on his door pleading for him to call them back. I called 911 and said I think Tom is a danger to himself. They took Tom away to the VA hospital. Tom wanted to go home but agreed to stay the night. He also agreed to give all his clients to another accountant. Tom agreed to go with me to AA every day for the rest of the month. I called John to tell him what Tom said and that he would not need to be at the house at ten for the intervention. Then John shared with me that he was a recovering alcoholic and a member of AA too. Then he asked me what hospital I would be going to for treatment and the name of my doctor? When I told him he started to laugh and said “I was treated at the same hospital and by the same doctor”.

What are the odds? To find two men with brothers that are both survivors with the same cancer as mine? Or John, having the same cancer being treated at the same hospital with the same doctor and both of us being recovering alcoholics in AA? I think God has a sense of humor.

Up date:  The Tom P went home Sunday from the VA. He was picked up by Blake W. who has 22 years sober and will move in with him for the next 6 months.

 I walked into the YMCA yesterday and Mark a friend at the front desk that keeps his bible on the counter said, “hey Mike I have a something for you. That is when he gave me a book.  Fighting cancer with faith. 

It's about a man with the same cancer and his testimony.